I’ve written and re-written this newsletter at least half a dozen times now. Mind you, all of my previous attempts at writing this have been made within the confines of my own mind. This is the first official time I am putting pen to paper, or fingers to keyboard. Because that’s how I am fundamentally wired. I play and replay and replay again words, scenarios, past experiences, future interactions that may never happen over and over in my mind in an effort to gain some semblance of control.
It’s the part of myself I have always disliked the most, shoving it to the side as if it were a child having done something wrong. I’ve reprimanded myself for thinking in the way that I do, for being wired the way that I am, constantly asking why I can’t be more normal.
Why can’t I shut my brain off at night and simply go to sleep instead of thinking for hours about how weird it is that we just fall asleep and suddenly wake up again?
Why does it sometimes feel like a monumental task trying to text someone back or simply parse through my emails?
Why can’t I filter out unimportant noises, instead allowing them to crawl under my skin and stress my out?
Why do I tend to excitedly pick up a project and then abandon it halfway through only to pick up another project in earnest? And then get overwhelmed by all my unfinished projects? Except for the few times I swing in the complete opposite direction where I hyper focus on one singular thing to the detriment of all other tasks/ needs in my life.
I know that in a world of 8+ billion humans, I cannot be the only one to feel this way, to question why my brain seems to hate me. And yet, when you are an over-thinker like me, it is easy to find yourself tumbling down to a deep and dark void where you feel utterly alone wondering where your sanity has gone.
And then, one day, a shining beacon illuminates the darkness surrounding you in the form of a book. This book to be exact.
There have been a total of two books I have read in my entire life where I felt wholly seen: Divergent Mind and Everyone in this Room Will Someday be Dead. That’s it. Only two books in my entire life. And I have read a lot of stuff.
As I plowed through Divergent Mind while in Los Angeles, I kept excitedly underlining passages and sentences and shoving them under Arlen’s nose with exclamations like, “ Doesn’t this sound exactly like me/ what I do/ how I think/ how I react to XYZ??” I cannot explain the feeling of elation I got every time I saw more of myself coming through the words on the pages. It’s like a lightbulb went off (cliché, I know) and I finally realized that my brain doesn’t hate me. It is wired differently, but it does not hate me.
I have so much that I want to say on this subject, on my quiet revelations, but as I write this newsletter, I keep asking myself what it is I am even saying, what point I am trying to make. I am filled with doubt and insecurity and uncertainty alongside my relief and excitement. Is this what anyone even wants to hear? Would it have been better to have skipped a week rather than send off my untethered thoughts?
Today is just one of those days where stringing together letters into words into sentences into coherent thoughts feels impossible.
But maybe that is ok. Maybe I need to learn to cut myself some slack and allow myself to not always be on or polished or coherent. Perhaps that is exactly what this newsletter is all about. After all, it has been aptly named My Untitled Thoughts.
Things that have caught my eye
This week, quite a number of things have snagged my attention.
I recently read The Shallows: What the Internet Is Doing to Our Brains via audiobook format through the Libby app. This was my first audio book experience, and I quickly learned that I am not an audiobook person. However, I found it to be an interesting look at how the internet is changing the way we think.
@Hayley.honeyman is someone I have been following for quite sometime. I love all of her content especially as it centers around neurodivergency.
This article on not using social media to grow your business.
I’ve been steadily adding to my knit wishlist on Pinterest. Sadly, I am a really slow knitter with a dozen projects already started, so I have no idea when I will make it to any of these. I can always dream, right?
- ’s latest post which I really needed this week as I drown under the weight of the big picture, feeling the overwhelm of too much. She reminds us all to zoom in a bit closer, to find the good within the bad.
Weekly Excerpt
I’ve officially finished re-reading my book and marking it up with all of the tiny changes I need to implement before it gets sent to the printers next week! The final chapters are some of my favorite as they are incredibly personal and emotional, at least for me. It’s funny because every time I have begun reading ADILV for each edit, I begin wondering why I even wrote this book. But by the last page, I am always so incredibly glad that I did. This excerpt is one that always hits me as it is located in my favorite scene within my favorite chapter.
Don’t forget to add A Daisy in Lily’s Valley to your reading list on Goodreads! There are currently 21 people who are excited to read my debut novel—thank you 💛.
Tiny win of the week
I made myself a three-piece pajama set and it. is. perfection. Not literally, there are quite a number of mistakes I made in the sewing of these, but do I care? Not in the least. Every night I am practically giddy with anticipation to slide myself into my PJs. I don’t feel as if I have ever owned something as luxurious as this matching set. It’s the simple things that bring the most joy, you know?
Until next time,
Brittani
A portion of November’s paid subscriptions will be donated to Second Helpings Atlanta.
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I was in so much expectation of this email, and it's been my favorite so far!!!
And it's funny...after all these years of research into the feminine, I came to the same conclusion and and title for my work: "how to thrive in a world that has never been designed for you as a woman" but I've never delved into the topic of neurodivergent minds. I'm so glad you mentioned it, it's the last drop I needed since so many people has been telling me about it lately.
Also, my sis is a big sewing fanatic and she made a pajama set for me last year. It's UNDOUBTEDLY my favorite piece in my closet. There's nothing that beats the sense of coziness and safety of a great looking pajama! 🧡