What I'm looking forward to this Autumn
and why I'm calling each task an experiment
A note before this week’s post:
I’ve not spoken much about the U.S. elections here, in this newsletter, mainly because it has been overwhelming, even more so than the prior two election cycles. Every time I look at the news or listen to the radio or hop on to social media, I am filled with an increasing sense of hopelessness and dread. That feeling was amplified by the results on Wednesday. I sat in those feelings for the entire day. I spoke to loved ones who shared the same feelings of fear and uncertainty of what this all means for us for the next four years and well into the future beyond. I will likely be processing these emotions for a long time.
I also am not one who subscribes to the idea that one singular person will come in to save us all. That one person can uproot our very broken systems and build something new and sustainable and just. I believe that imagining a better world will require the ideas and actions of many. Small actions. Imperfect actions. Together as community and apart as the individual.
Just because I do not mention the election or the state of our country does not mean I am not thinking about it every single day. When I talk about all the things I am excited for below, know that there is a very real thread of despair woven together with those feelings of joy and potential.
I am learning to hold two opposite feelings at the same time, to acknowledge them both and recognize them each as true. This is not something I was taught and is something I have struggled with all my life. You can love someone and also not want them in your life because of the damage they’ve caused? You can be angry at yourself for certain actions while also knowing deep down you aren’t a terrible person, just a flawed human prone to stumbling now and again? You can cry while simultaneously feeling joy at the marvel of the natural world?
It doesn’t come naturally to me to accept these contradictory feelings, but I am learning. Very, very slowly. And if you are struggling with similar conflicting sensations, know that you are not alone. Be gentle with yourself. Explore those feelings with curiosity. Know that you are still a beautiful whole with all your contradictory parts.
Some weeks, I have absolutely no idea what to write, and then others, there is a tremendous amount I wish to say. This is one of those weeks where I have so much I want to tell you, but to do so would mean an email the length of a book rather than a newsletter, so I will try my best to break it up and keep my words succinct.
I had a horrible Monday. Truly dreadful.
I started a new nasal spray medication for my allergies, and it works (I think)! I can breathe (sort of)! But one of the side effects has been an onslaught of headaches that have rendered my ability to do anything rather futile.
I also have gastrointestinal issues that flare for reasons beyond my understanding, and Monday was one of those truly awful days where everything hurt beyond a level 10. My stomach randomly screamed at me in pain while my head delivered a pulsating type of headache, one that would come and go in massive waves. I’d be outside working and then suddenly double over from the sharp pain and just as quickly it would disappear.
What’s funny (I’m always one to look for the humor in the dreadful) is that I’ve had such issues come and go since I was a child. I cannot really remember a time in which I was 100% well. Is that even possible? Can one move through life without some sort of chronic ailment? And even though I’ve had 32 years of knowledge that my body is one that holds on to ailments as if they were helpful and not harmful, it wasn’t until this particular Monday that I realized. . . I truly cannot lead a “normal” life, with a “traditional” 9-5 job, even while being self-employed. My body won’t allow it. It needs so much more rest and care and tending to.
So why have I, for all these years, tried to hold myself to an impossible standard? One that my body has literally been screaming at me for? And why am I just now realizing it’s ok to let those ideas of what full-time work or a “normal” life might look like go?
Between small bouts of going outside to work on the garden (which you can read more about in my new Garden Diaries section this Sunday!) and the painful flares between my head and stomach, I allowed myself to sit still and to dream. In my daydreaming, I started to get a feeling of how I hoped this autumn and winter season might shape out for me.
For one, I want to limit the amount of high tech I interact with on the daily. I want to give myself space to be bored. To stare out the window for hours on end watching the leaves fall or the birds visit the garden. I want to put on a record and dance in the kitchen while baking cookies for my friends and neighbors. I want to cuddle with my cats and watch them chase dust motes and the light shining off their collars. I want to curl up by the fire with hot chocolate or tea or coffee and put on a comforting movie or read a book or simply watch the flames dance.
Most of all, I want to give myself permission to just exist. Without deadlines or to-do’s or expectations. To merely show up each and everyday as myself and let that be enough.
Here is an incomplete list of some of the other things I would like to do this season:
Learn book binding
Find a rhythm with learning Spanish, especially reading it
Make my way back to writing regularly (not just this newsletter, but poetry and journal entries and my second book)
DIY crafts for my cats (including a gingerbread house made from a box or 2 or 12!)
Sew myself a second pair of jeans (hopefully before the first falls apart)
Curl in bed with hot chocolate and a book for an entire day
Work in the garden more
Watercolor nature
Dive deeper into herbalism and just generally learning about the plants in my area
Play with flowers: bouquets, drying, planting
Pottery throwing
Carve blocks for block-printing
Learn all about keeping bees (and whether I even should, seeing as I am somewhat allergic)
Learn all about keeping ducks
PAINT!
Spend entire days following my own rhythms and flow
Learn to craft unique tea blends
I want to show up to each of these items almost as an experiment. Something I am doing just to see how it makes me feel, deep in the marrow of my bones and the heart of my soul. Not something to eventually turn into a new idea that I could potentially spin off into a product for sale. Something purely for me and my own pleasure. To see what lights me up and brings me back to my center.
By calling each task an “experiment,” I am letting go of the idea that it must turn out perfectly. I am shedding away the pressure and coming at each thing on my list with curiosity and playfulness and ease. I wish to follow the road of each to its natural end. Perhaps that will be after one session or perhaps it will be a years long journey of self-discovery. Who knows? But isn’t that the most fun idea of it all? The wonder, the uncertainty, the discovery.
I can’t wait to get started.
Holiday Drop!
I’ve been diligently working behind the scenes at photographing, editing, and listing new items in the shop. I still have a little ways to go before everything is up (hopefully by the end of next week), but I am proud of the things I have listed thus far which include:
Stocking bundles with handmade, linen stockings stuffed full of bookish goodies!
Fall/ Winter Book Boxes, complete with a beautiful fall themed box, perfect for immediate gift giving
Dried herbs from my very own garden!
Handmade salves & lotion bars that I am personally obsessed with!
Hand embroidered tea towels and bookmarks!
Once everything else has been listed (which primarily consists of roughly 50 more books or so) I will be going through and doing one more big surprise date with a book update for the end of the year. These make amazing gifts for that friend who you know loves books but you maybe aren’t sure which exact book to get them. Everyone loves a surprise (I know I do!), and these book dates are sure to delight. Each comes with a set of bookmarks + tea to round out the date, which I find perfect for a chilly night in.
Please take care of yourself in these chaotic, uncertain times. Check in on your loved ones. Go for a leisurely walk. Cuddle your fur babies or your human babies. Send love out into the world.
Until next time,
💛 B.A. Franc