I've been sewing for 15+ years, but . . .
do I even like it anymore?
I’ve been thinking about this question for a few weeks now. It popped into my head as I was finishing up a big project for an indie pattern company. I’d been tasked with sewing 7 samples.
How exciting! I’d had so much fun sewing up samples for this brand’s last photoshoot and couldn’t wait to get started again!
But, as soon as I began the work, I quickly found myself feeling incredibly dysregulated, my shoulder was in massive amounts of pain, and every night I wanted to curl up and cry. On several evenings that’s exactly what I did, wailing like a toddler at how unhappy I was.
What was happening? What had changed between the first time I sewed samples and now? Or had I been this miserable then, too, but like a fever dream, forgotten it entirely?
As I was wrapping up the last of the samples, I began to question whether I even enjoyed sewing anymore. Whoa.
This was a major question to plop into my lap. I mean, sewing is a craft I have loved and nurtured and watched blossom for over 15 years of my life. Something I thought I would do forever and ever until the end of time. A passion I had gone off to college to pursue and then NYC and then steadily built a business around (before switching gears slightly this year).
And that wasn’t the only question to cause me to slam on the metaphorical brakes. Others started popping up like champagne bubbles:
How do I feel about teaching sewing? Is that something I enjoy anymore? Does it fulfill me in the same ways it once did? And what about the ideas for patterns that have been edging their way into my brain? Should I ignore them? Make those garments for myself? Purchase them second hand instead?
Who even am I without sewing?
Sitting with these questions, I’ve come to the conclusion that perhaps I don’t abhor sewing entirely. I am not quite ready to pack my bags and hit the road, waving goodbye to this skill I love for forever. I might be letting go here and there. But the relationship isn’t at an end. Yet.
In the time since finishing those seven samples, I’ve tentatively experimented with putting together a new PDF sewing pattern, cutting out my materials, and sewing up an entire yoga set. I wanted to see if I felt the same disdain towards the sewing process as I seemed to have developed while working towards a strict deadline.
The answer turned out to be no. The negative feelings I had towards sewing only seem to happen when I am working on a project for a client and not sewing for myself. Here’s my hypothesis on why that might be:
When sewing for myself, I’’m better able to step away as often as I need for both my body and my emotional regulation. I can take as much or as little time to finish a project as I want because there generally isn’t a strict deadline I must adhere to. No one is counting on me. If I don’t have a specific dress or shirt to wear to an event, no one will know. No one is going to point their fingers at me shouting, “You didn’t finish that dress you planned to wear for tonight, did you?”
But when it comes to working for someone else, I feel this quiet desperation to get the items cleared form my queue as quickly as possible. Their presence in my life feels like a physical weight on my shoulders that I want to shake off immediately. Because of this feeling of being slowly crushed beneath expectations (whether real or imagined), I tend to push past the point in which I want to sew, hyper-focusing on the end goal of completion. Plus, I rarely have the luxury to sew at my own pace. If I were to follow the pace my body most desired, I’d never meet the deadlines I’m given.
I also don’t like who I become when I’m sewing on a deadline. Throughout the few weeks I was racing towards the finish line of the seven samples, I started keeping a miniature water-gun near my sewing table to discourage Boysenberry and Mr. Carson (two of our cats) from bothering me. They see me in the same room as them and immediately want to play, even if I’ve already played with them for hours on end. And when I leave the room, they tend to follow me, even if I close a door for a little bit of peace. Instead of wandering away, they park their cute little behinds on the floor and meow under the crack in the door. All of this triggers my deep rooted anxiety to please and the feeling that I am denying my cats the attention they crave.
Not exactly a great environment for getting things accomplished.
Although I don’t think that I hate sewing, I have found myself pulling away from it, bit by bit. The desire I once felt to own all of the beautiful fabric I’ve ever seen, ideas brimming from my head at the magical garments I could make, those feelings have all but disappeared. In fact, the more of my sewing space that I pack up or donate or sell, the easier I feel I can breathe, the less weighted down by unfinished projects.
I talked in depth about all the things I am looking forward to this fall, and I believe this desire to explore so many projects is one that has been growing for quite some time. I believe my passions are shifting. Sewing is something that consumed so much of my life for such a long time, but right now, it feels almost like I am getting ready to say good-bye to the relationship we once shared in favor of exploring other options. Again, my bags are not packed, but I am looking at the open road that lay ahead.
Sewing will forever remain an integral part of me, a skill set I will never lose and can cherish until the end of my days. But it will no longer be my main love.
Instead, I think I want to paint. And draw. And make ugly art, just for the fun of it.
I want to be a beginner again, fumbling my way through the messy bits as I experience a new craft for the very first time. My list is long. As an artist, I have an interest in trying many things butting up against the knowledge that I only have so much time.
But why not try them all? Even if nothing comes of it. Even if all I walk away with a lopsided mug from throwing pottery or a wonky journal that I crafted myself, cover and all.
Why not explore all of the possibilities and see where they take me? Why not dive in headfirst and kick my way awkwardly to the shore? Why not walk around with a huge, goofy grin on my face because each and everyday feels magical and like anything is possible?
Why not?
November Donation Pledge
October as wonderful and with your help, I was able to donate ~ $30 to the North Carolina Disaster Relief Fund. Not a lot, but every little bit helps, right?
I’ve been thinking a lot about where to donate 4% of November’s profits, and after a lot of research, I believe that EarthJustice is the exact right organization to support. Their tagline alone had me hooked: Because the Earth needs a good lawyer. Uhm, hell yes it does!
Here is a little more about EarthJustice directly from their website:
Earthjustice is the premier nonprofit public interest environmental law organization. We wield the power of law and the strength of partnership to protect people’s health, to preserve magnificent places and wildlife, to advance clean energy, and to combat climate change.
At Earthjustice, we believe the fights for justice and our environment are inseparable. We are committed to the law, our clients, and the planet.
Earthjustice is unique in the approaches we use to achieve our goals and the scale at which we work. Wherever you live, we are fighting for you.
In our connected world, each of our goals are deeply intertwined.
To learn more about this incredible organization and all the things they are doing to stand up for the people and the planet, check out their site here.
December Market
I am super excited about the final market of the year! This has always been one of my absolute favorite markets to support as a customer, and it is thrilling to be able to participate this year as a vendor. There are always so many talented artists at the Indie South Holiday Hooray, ready and waiting with the perfect gifts for your loved ones.
If you live in the area, I truly hope to see you there. Bundle up in your coziest outfit, grab a hot beverage, and see all the magic this market has to offer.
Until next time,
💛 B.A. Franc