Before I dive in to this week’s essay, I thought I’d share that this is the last week to pre-order my debut novel, A Daisy in Lily’s Valley! I cannot believe that publication day is only 5 days away—where the heck did all the time go? Wasn’t it just the summer of 2022 when I started writing, like, yesterday?
If you aren’t able to order a copy for yourself now but still want to support my novel and author journey in some way, I’ve got a couple of handy ideas:
Request a copy of ADILV at your local library (simply Google the name of your library + “purchase request” or “suggest a purchase”, and fill out the accompanying form from your library’s website)
Ask that your local bookstore carry A Daisy in Lily’s Valley (they can email me at wholesale@untitledthoughts.com if interested)
Add ADILV to your Goodreads or Storygraph bookshelf
Share images of the novel on Instagram, Pinterest, TikTok or wherever you currently like to hang out
And if you’ve already received a copy for yourself and wish to support my writing further, you can do so by leaving an honest review on Goodreads or Storygraph. Good or bad, this helps other readers decide if A Daisy in Lily’s Valley is the right book for them!
Now, on to my weekly essay . . .
These past few weeks, I have been walking around with a knot of emotion bubbling deep inside my chest. At times it has sunk low, down to the depths of my stomach, while others it has outstretched its arms all the way through the tips of my fingers and toes. It’s frustrated me, this unnamed emotion, spiking through me like a skittish cat at every unexpected sound. I spent days trying to figure out what was bothering me, and then days trying to simply let it be.
When it it ready, this emotion will tell me what it is and wants, I thought.
-it dd just that, but in the worst possible way. I did not realize until it was too late that this unnamed feeling growing inside me, taking over everything, was in fact anger. I found out when, unable to contain itself any longer, my anger erupted soaking everything within its path, including my cats and husband and worst of all, myself. Because when I am angry, I always turn the worst of my anger inwards to myself. I may cry uncontrollably, shout and slam doors that scare my fur babies, and scream into pillows, but once that is all said and done, my anger turns its viscousness towards me, moving in alongside shame to fill me with all sorts of nasty little lies.
For two weeks I struggled with having oversized reactions to small things (or no things, just boiling over with tears of hot rage). For two weeks, I didn’t understand fully where this sudden anger had come from. Why did everything feel like too much all of a sudden? Why was I wincing every time my cats rubbed their small, furry bodies against my legs or my husband touched my shoulder? Why was I breaking down suddenly upon seeing an animal lying in the road having likely been hit by a car?
And then it dawned on me, as I drove home in tears from the grocery store of all places, listening to the atrocities happening around the world on the radio:
I was angry at the unfairness of it all. The unfairness of life.
I got home and I wailed against the world. Arlen asked me what I was so upset about and I responded that I was angry. “angry at what?” “Everything!” I screamed as I punched a pillow with all the fury and strength I could conjure. I then fell into a fit of heavy sobs for a couple of hours, lying in my bed, wrapped in the fetal position as I tried to make sense of it all.
I am reminded of a partiular part in the book Untamed by Glennnon Doyle in which Glennon finds out about an atrocity happening and takes to her bedroom for a week to process it all. When asked What’s wrong with mommy?, Glennon’s wife tells the kids that Mommy just needs a little time to process some things, but will be better in no time, or something to that effect. I love that Glennon knows exactly what she needs in order to process events in her life and come out the other side with a plan. I wish I had that ability, but it’s something I lack.
I absorb unfairness happening in the world like a sponge but am ill-equipped at knowing when to wring myself out. I don’t yet know how to process what I see and feel. Sometimes I don’t even understand what it is I am feeling until it boils over, demanding to be seen. It’s one of the most frustrating things about existing within my body. I know that a lot if happening under the surface, and I want to feel all of those things. I know that it is healthier to process emotions as they are happening rather than hold on to them with an iron-grip, but my body oftentimes refuses to let me access said emotions. There have been so many times when I have simply stopped feeling anything mid-cry, where my body simply shuts down, wagging it’s finger at me and saying, “That’s enough. We will not feel any deeper or any longer. It’s too dangerous.” I go numb, searching frantically for whatever emotion had gripped me so fiercly only moments before because I know that accessing it, feeling through it, and moving forward is what is best for me, is what will ensure I do not blow up at a future date. But after decades of suppressing my natural instincts and emotions, my body is much better at denying me access than I am at achieving it.
And so I sit. And wait. And wonder when my next outburst is going to hit me like a ton of bricks, effectively wiping me out.
I have found that I can hold on to a lot of unnamed emotion for a long time, but certain things will break me faster than others. One of those things is the idea of unfairness. Whether it is as minuscule as someone snaking ahead rudely in traffic with little to no regard for other drivers or as massive as children being killed or robbed of their childhood in some way, I cannot handle the feelings over overwhelm and very often snap in some way. With all the destruction happening in the world coupled with the unfairness I suffered as a child at the hands of another, the perfect storm was brewing beneath my skin these past few weeks.
My cup overfilled and came rushing out everywhere over everything in sight. I cried throughout my recent therapy session. Not just here and there. I was in tears the entire time, breaking down at everything we talked about, wanting to curl into a ball and never emerge from the safety provided to me by my own, broken body. I told my therapist all I wanted to do was throw a temper-tantrum at the unfairness of it all because what else could I do?
I was really fucking angry.
She then suggested that I needed a bit of a reset. That i had taken on too much emotionally and had fallen into a really difficult time. After our session, I spent the remainder of the day sewing samples for a pattern company. Sewing has always been a safe space in which I can zone out, allowing my inner world to continue working through its issues in the background. Like the low hum of a radiator. You now it’s there, you feel the growing warmth, but you kind of forget about it all the same.
By the next day (i.e. Tuesday of this week) I was feeling better. Optimistic, even. As if there were more options than helplessly screaming into the void. I still don’t know what direction or plan of action I might be able to take to help cure the injustices of the world (there are so many), but my cup doesn’t feel as if it is about to crack under the pressure of it all. It feels empty and ready for suggestions, for opportunities to enact change, even if that change is really, really tiny.
And for that, I am grateful. I’m not sure what this entire experience has taught me yet. Maybe it wasn’t here to teach me anything. Maybe it was simply here to allow me to purge and grow and expand a itty-bit more so that, when the time comes, I am able to lend more of myself to another in need. Maybe all it showed me was that my anger is valid and its ok to express it safely. It’s ok to meltdown and rail against the unfairness of it all for a small moment in time before picking myself back up and looking for new possibilities, better opportunities for making the world a better place. Step by step. Little by little.
In the Garden
Oh gosh, our back garden currently looks like a hot mess! We have big plans for this space in particular, but those plans have changed wildly based on a number of factors. Enacting said plans have also come to a stop/start often as we have one of the wettest, warmest spring seasons.
As you can see, it’s an absolute mess back here. Soggy and wet all around. However, we have made some great progress on a few things including:
We’ve mapped out our entire garden area and measured it for grading the soil
We’ve marked and dug initial trenches for our house & pergola garden beds which will help to mark how deep our grade on the highest hill needs to be dug out
I’ve begun the slow and arduous process of mint removal
We’ve dug out all the your fruit trees we had planted as well as the most important plants that we were keen on saving/ replanting in the updated garden space
Next on the docket is to acquire the first bits of wood for our garden beds. We plan to use Shou Sugi Ban in order to waterproof the wood while keeping it toxin & chemical free as we plan to grow lots of edible foods within the garden beds. This will likely take the most time to accomplish as it requires a lot of burning, scraping, and sealing followed by cutting, final ground leveling, and securing into place.
Once our first garden beds are in place, we plan to build 1-2 more beds, pop them into place, and start grading the soil at its highest point. We will move the excess soil into those new garden beds instead of trucking it someplace new and then trucking it back into place. So a lot of manual labor is on the menu leading into the warmer months which I am so excited for after 2 years of little garden work as I recovered from surgery and chronic pain in my abdomen.
Book Review
This week, Maria has two juicy book reviews to dive in to:
Me before you by Jojo Moyes and . .
The Book Thief by Markus Zusak
Thanks for being here, dear reader. I appreciate all the time you spend with me,
Brittani
A portion of March’s paid subscriptions + website purchases will be donated to Atlanta Community Food Bank.
|| Instagram||
|| YouTube ||
|| Website ||
|| Email : brittani@untitledthoughts.com ||